Your Favorite Novels CONDENSED!
by Merry.Murderess
Summary: Don't have time to actually read books? From classics to modern favorites, get the gist of even the lengthiest novels in under a minute! Book/play suggestions welcome.
1. The Phantom of the Opera

The Phantom of the Opera

By Gaston Leroux

Erik: Muahahahahaha! (makes demands, skulks around the Paris Opera House, writes notes, kills a guy, falls fatally in love with young soprano Christine Daae, tutors her in voice, writes _more_ notes, screws up the voice of resident diva La Carlotta, crashes a chandelier (killing a guy), **angst-o-rama**, kidnaps Christine)

Raoul: We've got to save Christine! I LOOOVE her! Plus, being her young and handsome childhood sweetheart, I have a better chance at her.

Daroga: OK. I'll tag along for some reason and tell many, many chapters from my point of view. I don't know why this is necessary, because most people don't know who I am or why I'm here. But I'm going to do it anyway. Here I go!

(He does that.)

Erik: (tortures Christine a little, but finally relents and lets her go. Tells Daroga how much he loves her. Dies.)

Reader: Wow. Erik truly had a beautiful soul, in contrast to his deformedface. (Cries at the unfairness of it all…)

THE END


	2. Les Miserables

Les Miserables

By Victor Hugo

Jean Valjean: I'm a convict on the run from the law, trying to escape my reputation. 'Cept I don't really know what reputation that is, seeing as I only stole a freakin' loaf of BREAD, and I do so much good throughout the course of the novel! Geez.

Javert: I'm the obsessed constable who is always on Valjean's tail throughout the book. Basically, my life has one purpose: To catch Valjean. I drown myself in the River Seine near the end of the book after realizing my life has been a big waste.

Fantine: I have an illegitimate love child that I leave with the Thenardiers. I get fired from my job at Valjean's factory because some bee-yotch has it in for me. Then I become a prostitute. Then I die.

M. & Mme. Thenardier: We're mean. And dishonest. Not to mention abusive towards children. Except for our own children, of course. We spoil _them_ rotten.

Little Eponine/Little Azelma: We're brats!

Cosette: Well, my life is one big cushy barrel of fun! After Valjean rescues me from the Thenardiers and adopts me, that is. And after I grow up and get really pretty and fall in love with Marius.

Marius: I love Cosette. That's pretty much it.

Eponine: In an ironic twist of fate, my family is now poor and desperate, and I am a shadow of the pretty girl I once was. I have a junior-high style crush on Marius, and that's pretty much my entire purpose. I take a bullet for him and die.

Enjolras: I lead all the idealistic young students to Revolution. We all die.

Marius: Except me!

Everyone: So, basically, our lives all somehow suck and we all die.

Marius, Cosette, M. Thenardier: Except us! We die later, of natural causes. Probably.

THE END


	3. Anne of Green Gables

Anne of Green Gables

By Lucy Maud Montgomery

Matthew and Marilla Cuthbert: We need a boy to help us around the farm.

(Through a MISUNDERSTANDING, they receive, Anne Shirley, a red-haired orphan girl who talks waaaay too much and uses huge words.)

Marilla: I said I wanted a boy!

Anne: You don't loooooooooooove me! (Cries and snivels.)

Matthew: Aww, let's keep her, Marilla.

Marilla: No, no, no! Not under any circumstances will I allow… well, ok.

Anne: Yay! I promise I won't be _**any**_ trouble!

(Anne gets into a series of SCRAPES, which include BREAKING HER LEG after falling off a ROOF BEAM which she walked on a DARE, BOOZING UP her best friend and cracking a SLATE over the head of Gilbert Blythe, the CUTEST GUY in the ONE-ROOM SCHOOLHOUSE in blind, passionate RAGE.)

THE END


	4. The Secret Garden

The Secret Garden

By Frances Hodgson Burnett

Mary Lennox: I'm a sourpuss. Spit. Hiss.

(She goes off to live in her uncle's MANSION on a DESOLATE MOOR, and then discovers the SECRET GARDEN thanks to a friendly ROBIN.)

Mary Lennox: Wow! Now I'm no longer a sourpuss.

Colin Craven: I'm a sourpuss as well. Not to mention an annoying hypochondriac. I'm a sick cripple because I think I'm a sick cripple!

Mary Lennox: Oh YEAH? Well, I'll set you straight, ya PUNK!

(She is very MEAN and SCARY to Colin, further proving that she has some serious ISSUES. She and her friend Dickon then take him to the SECRET GARDEN)

Colin: Wow! I'm no longer a sourpuss. Let's skip and frolic in the garden.

(They do)

Archibald Craven (Mary's uncle and Colin's father): I too am a sourpuss, with very many personal issues, all related to the death of my wife (which took place in the SECRET GARDEN).

(He discovers the children in the SECRET GARDEN.)

Archibald Craven: Wow! Having entered the garden that caused so many of my emotional problems, I am cured of them. Let us frolic and be merry.

All: OK!

Dickon: 'Tis the magic of the garden.

THE END


	5. Lord of the Flies

Lord of the Flies

By William Golding

(Some English schoolboys get stranded on an island.)

Ralph: I represent the civilizing instinct that is present in every human being. Surely we, a group of schoolchildren, can uphold the laws and values of society! Who wants to work hard and be productive with me?!

Other boys: Eh...

Jack: I represent the basest instincts that lurk in every human being, and I say screw the "society" crap! Let's kill things instead! Who wants to descend into savagery and barbarism with me?!

Other boys: YAAAAY!

THE END


	6. Wuthering Heights

Wuthering Heights

By Emily Bronte

Lockwood: I am ill. Tell me a story.

Nellie Dean: Well, once, the former master of this house picked a gypsy kid off the street and named him Heathcliff, and no one liked him except Cathy.

Heathcliff: Oh, Cathy.

Catherine Earnshaw: Oh, Heathcliff.

Heathcliff: Oh, Cathy.

Catherine Earnshaw: Oh, (dies, and this is TRAGIC, despite the fact that Cathy and Heathcliff have been nothing but NASTY and UNLIKABLE.)

Heathcliff: NOOOOOOOOOOO! (bangs his head against a tree, ruins everyone else's lives, then DIES.)

Nellie Dean: And they're still wandering the grounds today, like as ghosts or something.

Lockwood: Get me the hell outta here!

THE END


	7. Tender is the Night

Tender is the Night

By F. Scott Fitzgerald

Nicole Diver: I am wealthy and schizophrenic in the hedonistic 20s! I eventually regain control of my life, though.

Dick Diver: Yeah, and I cheat on you and fall into ruin. Oh, how the tables do turn.

THE END


	8. To Kill A Mockingbird

To Kill a Mockingbird

By Harper Lee

Atticus Finch: I am a defense lawyer in the racist south in the 1930s, except I'm different because I have principles! I will stand up for what's right, although there is no chance I will win and it will earn me nothing but consternation.

(He agrees to defend a wrongly accused black man, fully knowing he will not win, earning him much CONSTERNATION from the white community. And he indeed does NOT win, but he is HEROIC and teaches us about the EVILS of judging people based on appearance.)

Reader: Atticus is my hero 3

THE END


	9. Flowers for Algernon

Flowers for Algernon

By Daniel Keyes

(Charlie Gordon, a mentally handicapped man, undergoes experimental surgery that raises his IQ to SUPER GENIUS level)

Charlie Gordon: Now that I am intelligent, I realize what a cruel place the world is.

(Regresses back to his former state.)

THE END


	10. Pride and Prejudice

Pride and Prejudice

By Jane Austen

(Elizabeth Bennet meets Mr. Darcy and gets a BAD first impression.)

Elizabeth Bennet: He is so proud and vain. I could never fall in love with _him_.

Mr. Darcy: I'm actually the good guy. I just come off as arrogant because I'm socially awkward.

Elizabeth Bennet: Oh, in that case, I love you.

THE END


	11. Emma

Emma

Emma

By Jane Austen

Emma Woodhouse: I think I'll meddle in people's love lives. I know what's best for everyone!

(She doesn't. HILARIOUS COMPLICATIONS ensue, as well as the obligatory DOUBLE WEDDING.)

THE END


	12. The Catcher in the Rye

As per (one) of the requests of A Sweet Catastrophe:

The Catcher in the Rye

By J.D. Salinger

Holden Caulfield: (swearswearswearswearswear)

(He drops out of school and bums around New York, gets drunk and attempts to pick up chicks.)

Holden Caulfield: Everyone is a phony but me. I hate phonies. Which is an ironic/hypocritical thing for me to say, because my behaviour actually proves me to be the biggest phony of all.

(Loses his mind.)

THE END


	13. Tuesdays with Morrie

Tuesdays With Morrie

By Mitch Albom

(Morrie Schwartz teaches money-hungry workaholic Mitch Albom to appreciate LIFE and value PEOPLE over THINGS. He inspires HOPE.)

THE END


	14. The Hunchback of Notre Dame

The Hunchback of Notre Dame

By Victor Hugo

Quasimodo: I may be horribly deformed on the outside, but my heart is pure and good! Also, I am the only one of Esmerelda's creepers who actually loves her.

Frollo: I'm actually a pretty nice guy. I raised Quasimodo as my own, and I do everything in my power to make sure my drunken, lazy gambler of a brother is happy. But I'm eventually driven crazy by my inability to do either of them any good. Also by my uncontrollable lust for Esmerelda.

Jehan Frollo: (Falls over drunk)

La Esmerelda: I fall madly in love with Phoebus, and remain stubbornly blinded to the fact that he's actually a huge scumbag. Even when I'm wrongfully accused of his murder, and he doesn't even bother to come forward and say he's NOT DEAD.

Phoebus: I'm drunk. And a crass womanizer. I don't love Esmerelda, but I'm willing to act like I totally know her name and care about her and stuff so I can feel her up.

Sister Gudule: I hate gypsies, because I think they stole my daughter. Then it turns out Esmerelda IS my daughter. Then I love gypsies.

(Almost everyone DIES.)

Reader: Now why does _this_ look familiar...

THE END


	15. A Christmas Carol

A Christmas Carol

By Charles Dickens

Charles Dickens: Marley was dead, to begin with. There is no doubt whatever about that. He's dead. Yup, he's dead alright. D-E-A-D dead. He kicked the bucket. He's pushing up the daisies. He's riding the midnight train to slab city. He's dead. Once he was alive... and then he died. He's definitely dead. Dead, and decaying in his grave! Dead as a doornail! Dead as a-

Reader: OK! OK! I get it! DEAD! Gosh, it's like you were paid by the WORD or something!

Charles Dickens: Fine then. Anyway, there was this old miser named Scrooge, and he was a jerk.

Scrooge: I care nothing about my fellow man, and I think Christmas is a big load! Bob Cratchit, you will work overtime on Christmas Day in the bitter cold and LIKE IT.

The Ghost of Jacob Marley: You will be visited by three ghosts who will tell you how mean you are.

Ghosts of Christmas Past, Present and Future: You're mean. Repent.

(Scrooge learns the value of PRETENDING to care.)

Scrooge: I am a changed man. Here, have some money!

THE END


	16. A Tale of Two Cities

A Tale of Two Cities

By Charles Dickens

Charles Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times. It was the age of foolishness, it was the age of wisdom. It was...

Reader: All THIS to say that the story begins in England and France in 1775?!

(Jarvis Lorry and Lucie Manette travel from ENGLAND to FRANCE to collect Dr. Manette, Lucie's ESTRANGED FATHER who has been driven mad from 18 YEARS in the BASTILLE.)

Lucie Manette: Oh, Father! (faints)

Jarvis Lorry: Don't worry, Lucie. Your love can recall your father to life.

(It does.)

Sydney Carton: I am a drunk and indifferent lawyer. I could have made something of my life, but I didn't. Watch as I acquit Charles Darnay, a man I despise because he reminds me of my wasted potential, of treason based on the fact that we happen to resemble each other.

(He does.)

Charles Darnay: Thanks man! Now I guess I'll go marry Lucie, the woman you are passionately in love with, and live the fulfilling life that you never lead.

(He does. Then the FRENCH REVOLUTION happens.)

Charles Darnay: It turns out France is definitely NOT the best place to be right now if you're descended from nobility...

(He gets arrested in France and thrown into PRISON for being an EMIGRANT.)

Lucie Manette: Oh, no! (faints)

(The revolutionaries finds him GUILTY of being RELATED to people who did bad things, and sentence him to DIE.)

Lucie Manette: Oh, no! (faints)

Sydney Carton: Well, looks like it's my time to redeem myself.

(He goes to the GUILLOTINE in Darnay's place, making the emphasis on their physical resemblance suddenly make SENSE. It is SAD.)

THE END


	17. Great Expectations

Great Expectations

By Charles Dickens

Pip: I'm Pip. I'm poor.

Miss Havisham: Come, Pip. Spend time in my creepy house and have your self-esteem battered by my frigid ward, Estella.

Estella: You're common. Gross. (Acts snooty.)

Pip: Must... become... gentleman...

(Through a series of increasingly improbable COINCIDENCES, Pip acquires a fortune and becomes a JERK and acts JERKY to everyone that ever loved him. Then he loses his fortune.)

Pip: I'm poor again, but I've learned life lessons. I guess.

THE END


	18. Gone With The Wind

Gone With the Wind

By Margaret Mitchell

Scarlett O'Hara: I am spoiled and self-absorbed. Life sure is cushy for me on my family's plantation.

(The CIVIL WAR happens.)

Scarlett O'Hara: (Throws hissy fit) Well, nothing left for me to do but ruthlessly adapt by marrying men I don't love for monetary gain, I guess. Only I'm not going to let go of my infatuation with Ashley Wilkes.

(Marries a man she doesn't love, and is WIDOWED. Marries a man she doesn't love, and is WIDOWED. Marries RHETT BUTLER, who it turns out that she really DOES love, but she doesn't realize it until it's too late and he's LEAVING HER.)

Scarlett O'Hara: Oh, Rhett! I love you!

Rhett Butler: Too bad, hussy! We could have been happy, if we weren't both so stubborn. And drunk. But we are. So BYE.

Scarlett O'Hara: I'll think of a way to win him back!

(We never find out if she does.)

THE END


	19. The Glass Menagerie

The Glass Menagerie

By Tennessee Williams

Amanda Wingfield: I am the stock character of the crazed, faded southern belle! I used to have upwards of 17 gentlemen callers every day! Just wait until your father gets home!

Laura Wingfield: I'm fragile and shy, and I make a bigger deal out of my slight limp than everyone else does.

Tom Wingfield: And I'm sick of this family!!!

(The reader gets repeatedly hit over the head with the TWO-BY-FOUR OF SYMBOLISM.)

Jim, the Gentlemen Caller: I'm going to come over for dinner, raise Laura's hopes, dash them, and then leave.

Tom Wingfield: I am SOOO out of here!

(Leaves home to become a merchant sailor, just like his father did.)

Tom Wingfield: It turns out that abandoning my deranged mother and handicapped sister HASN'T made me happy.

THE END


	20. The Republic of Love

The Republic of Love

By Carol Shields

Fay McLeod: I am unsatisfied with my life, particularly in the love department.

Tom Avery: As am I.

(They find each other.)

Fay McLeod/Tom Avery: YAY!!!

THE END


	21. Frankenstein

Frankenstein

By Mary Shelley

Robert Walton: Dear Margaret, we picked up this guy off the ice. He told us his crazy life story.

Victor Frankenstein: This man that I am creating out of corpse parts shall be a thing of beauty!

(It's NOT.)

Victor Frankenstein: AAAHHH!!! It's hideous!!!

(Rejects the monster. The monster KILLS everyone close to Frankenstein in REVENGE.)

Frankenstein's Monster: I didn't ask to be born!!!

THE END


	22. Romeo and Juliet

Romeo and Juliet

By William Shakespeare

Romeo: Ohhhhh! I am so in love with Rosaline, but she doesn't love me back! Woe is me!

(He meets Juliet.)

Romeo: I'm over it now. Marry me?

Juliet: Yessss! Though the fact that our families have a longstanding, bitter feud might complicate things a bit...

(It DOES.)

Friar Lawrence: You kids are so crazy and irresponsible. Now, let me help you by dreaming up a complicated plan that could end in tragedy if even one thing goes slightly wrong.

(Something goes WRONG.)

Romeo: Time to overreact! (drinks poison)

Juliet: NOOOOOO! (stabs herself)

Reader: Too bad you're like, 12.

THE END


	23. Waiting for Godot

Waiting for Godot

By Samuel Beckett

Act I

Estragon: What are we doing here?

Vladimir: We're waiting for Godot.

Estragon: Oh.

(Nothing much happens.)

Estragon: This sucks. Let's leave.

Vladimir: Ok.

(They don't, because every single character in every single Beckett play is stuck in some creepy infinite loop.)

Act II

(Repeat.)

THE END


	24. Q&A

Q&A

By Vikas Swarup

(Ram Mohammad Thomas WINS a quiz show.)

TV Show People: Because we don't have the billion rupees to pay you, we're instead going to have you arrested on trumped-up charges of cheating.

(The police ARREST him and BEAT HIM UP.)

Ram's Lawyer: Seriously though, did you cheat?

Ram Mohammad Thomas: Actually, I didn't cheat. I knew the answers because all 12 questions I was asked happened to directly relate to past events in my life. What are the odds, eh?

(Ram and his lawyer watch a VIDEO of his quiz show appearance. Each of the 12 questions trigger a FLASHBACK.)

Ram's Lawyer: He's telling the truth, because I am the little girl he saved from domestic abuse earlier in the novel!

(Ram WINS big!!!)

THE END


	25. The Scarlet Letter

The Scarlet Letter

by Nathaniel Hawthorne

Everyone: Hester Prynne, you are an ADULTERER! You must wear this scarlet letter A as a constant reminder of your whoretastic ways!

(Hester won't reveal who the father of her child is. She is SHUNNED.)

Everyone: HARLOT!

(Hester STILL won't reveal who the father of her child is.)

Everyone: SHAAAAAME!

(Hester CONTINUES to not reveal who the father of her child is.)

Reverend Arthur Dimmesdale: (angstangstangstangst) I can't stand the torment anymore! It's ME!

THE END


	26. Twilight

Twilight

By Stephenie Meyer

Bella Swan: I love you, Edward.

Edward Cullen: I'm a vampire. Though I love you, I'm too tortured and dangerous for you.

Bella Swan: Your eyes are hawt.

Edward Cullen: I have an overwhelming to drink your blood specifically.

Bella Swan: You smell yummy.

Edward Cullen: I could kill you without even trying. Seriously. I could crack your skull with an accidental flick of my wrist.

Bella Swan: Yeah, but you're GORGEOUS. Plus you sparkle.

Edward Cullen: Not to mention that I'm overprotective, subject to random mood swings, and I'm technically 104 years old.

Bella Swan: I love you, though.

Edward Cullen: I love you, too. (pause)I'm still too dangerous for you, though.

THE END


	27. New Moon

New Moon

By Stephenie Meyer

Edward Cullen: Bella, I'm afraid we have to break up. (pause) Because I'm too dangerous for you.

Bella Swan: NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!

(Curls up in the FETAL POSITION for approximately 4 MONTHS. Starts hanging out with Jacob Black and feels a LITTLE BETTER.)

Bella Swan: I'm going to do a series of increasingly stupid and dangerous things, just so I can hear a hallucination of Edward's voice in my head!

Readers: …

Jacob Black: I'm a werewolf!

(The WEREWOLVES are awesome and kick evil vampire BUTT!)

Alice Cullen: Bella, we've got to go to Italy and save Edward! He's going to get the Volturi to kill him because he thinks you're dead or something!

(They go do that.)

The Volturi: Ok, we're not going to do anything interesting this novel. Just, uhh, make sure that Bella is turned into a vampire. Or killed. Either way.

Bella Swan: So you for realz love me?

Edward Cullen: Duhhh! I mean, I know I told you I never want to see you again, but you should have guessed that I was lying!

Readers: …

THE END


	28. Eclipse

Eclipse

By Stephenie Meyer

Edward Cullen: I will only transform you into a vampire if you marry me. Oh, and I forbid you to see your best friend, Jacob Black, because I fear for your safety or something. Even though I've spent the last two books brooding about how I could kill you instantly with my vampire powers.

Bella Swan: Even though I don't want to get married at the age of 18, I accept, because I have no spine. And I'm also going to spend the entire book whining about how I don't want to break Jacob's heart, even though I've already spent the last book talking about how I only see him as a friend.

(There's some kind of subplot about a group of newborn vampires murdering innocent people, but it's not as important as Bella and Edward staring into each other's eyes and talking about LOVE, PASSION and WUTHERING HEIGHTS. Also, the Volturi, who are supposed to be all scary and powerful, show up in Forks, and don't do anything interesting. Again.)

THE END


	29. Breaking Dawn

Breaking Dawn

By Stephenie Meyer

(Bella and Edward get married. Bella and Edward have a freaky half-human/half/vampire baby. Everyone gets exactly what they want without even the slightest semblance of sacrifice or struggle. And the Volturi are officially the most UNINTERESTING super vampires that have ever been created.)

THE END


	30. Candide

Candide

By Voltaire

Dr. Pangloss: God is perfect, and so the world he created must be perfect as well. Therefore, everything that happens is for the best.

(All kinds of CRAZY, ARBITRARY and UNFAIR things happen to every single character, including rape, disembowelments, drowning, flogging, syphilis, forced prostitution, theft, getting chamber pots emptied on heads and the Spanish Inquisition.)

Candide: Yeah, it might be time to reconsider that one.

THE END


End file.
